Fatalism

 

Listening to the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack has lost most my inspiration to write this diddy, but I shall try nonetheless.  I am half motivated by being up since 3am (only getting 3 hours of sleep) and having a restless mind before I spend an entire (final) day at the faire.  In a large way, this is inspired by Nightmare Before Christmas, since Fatalism is a large undercurrent theme in the movie.  So I pose a question, Do I believe in fate and if so how ‘hard’ of fatalism?

 

            Fatalism, tied in with the previous incoherent blog about evil, weighs heavily on my mind of late.  After having an encounter with a storm goddess, you tend to question your own mortal self and destiny. 

 

            Fate can be broken down (lets hope I can remember them all) into several basic beliefs and outlooks.  First is the easiest decision, do I believe in fate yay or nay? 

 

            I resist the urge not to believe in fate, but I find myself more and more believing in it, but not from an egotistical ‘im special’ human perspective.  I digress though.  Hard fatalist will believe that everything is predestined to happen.  Honestly, I am almost a hard fatalist which is funny considering I have professed for some time not be a fatalist at all but I cannot get myself out of the trap of hard fatalism.

 

            A hard fatalist will believe that all things, either through god or not, are predestined and there is no free will or even the will of god that can change things.

 

            This is very appealing to me because the ulterior to hard fatalism leave, in my mind, too many questions.  Like most people though, hard fatalism is very hard to grasp and fully realize your own insignificance to the great picture.  (something I profess with a decent amount of foolish wonton-ness to begin to grasp)  To really emerse yourself in this idea, you have to think that no matter what you think, no matter what you have done or will do, how much willpower you have, or how much you think you can make a difference, it has ALL been setup already.  This does not limit at all your power of changing the world, you can still invent TNT and start wars like Peter Nobel, but your actions and non-actions have been allotted for you.  So every thought, every action, every pause you ever have is entirely ‘planned’ already.  You do not have to believe in a god for this, science answers most of this through nature’s laws, but if you do God has already judged you and given you your destiny.  So if you believe in hell and heaven, you are already saved or not and eternity for your soul is already happening.

 

            This is simply depressing on a massive level for me, but I cannot find a way out of hard fatalism.  Seemingly you have no options, no choices, no chance at change but when you really analyze it you do.  There is nothing saying that you will not have all of those thoughts, all of those ‘appeared’ decisions, you will have dilemmas, regrets, and wishes and hopes.  To realize hard fatalism is to know that you have a path and sadly, that path might end very abruptly ALL for the purpose of something else to happen.  It gives you the greatest meaning and yet the most insignificant meaning to your life.  Just like the lives of 300,000 citizens of Darfur who are dead, some at a young age, you question their life’s worth and your own.  How crappy is it if your life meaning was to die at age 3, or your parents before you had known them?  With hard fatalism, to look at yourself as a unique individual with a loving god that is good looking after you and your salvation is very hard indeed.  Because there is obvious evil and if fatalism is true, regardless of a deity, that fatalism is prone to more ‘apparent evil’ than it is good.  And that my friends, is utterly depressing.

 

            The common bridging grounds between hard fatalism and ‘free will’ or an open destiny is something called ‘compatibleism’.  In general, or to the best of my memory, there is what is called ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ compatibleism or soft determinism.  I will use compatibleism instead of determinism as my phrase but I hate saying compatibleism and spelling it…  This is just because soft determinism I think leads to false assumptions.

 

            Compatibleist can range from being more fatalistic to less fatalistic but there general concept is this;  there are points in our lives when we do in fact make decisions that change the course of the future.  For a hard compatibleist there are only a few pivotal moments (truly life altering), and for a soft compatibleist there might be hundreds but still an overall ‘river of fate’ that cannot be altered too much.  If there is a deity or not, mortals are granted a option at their own fate.  For a religious person, these moments might be the moments of judgment or belief in one’s god.  For non-religious people these moments might just be life altering decisions that subtly or drastically change the course of the future. 

 

            This gets really complicated really fast and I will only dwell into the more obvious and contradictory factors that become problematic for me.  With any sort of will in opposition to fate, there arises the general question about the river of time and if it has branches of ‘alternative’, possible, or probable futures.  Time is generally viewed as a strait line from point A(creation) to point B(who knows?).  When any amount of free will is put into this simplistic view of time, branches begin to ebb out from the strait line and there would exist either ‘possible’ futures or probable futures.  This is not to say that the course of time changes, it could remain a strait line with only one ACTUAL possible future, but instead it leaves the argument that ‘Sally might have done P’ instead of ‘Sally did P”.  That is a slight of hand not easily seen and ‘P’ stands for any action or non-action.  It is simply looking in the past and realizing that you may have done something else than what you did, which leaves at least one fork in time.  This creates the possibility of having alternative worlds in which you exist but something is different about you because you either had a Major life decision in which you acted differently like you married someone different (Hard compatibleism) or a minor one like falling down and getting a scar (soft compatibleism).

 

            Needless to say, there are many other philosophies that cover these grey areas and try to resolve them but that is the basic groundwork.  With either case, I have not read nor heard philosophy that allows for only ‘chance’ opportunities to be allowed for free will.  Either you have it or you don’t, right?  It does not make sense to me that only a few times in a persons life they are ‘allowed’ free will and at other times in daily routine are restricted that.  Pivotal moments are pivotal moments, saying yes or know to a proposal is almost as drastic as deciding whether or not to eat that sandwich with mustard or mayo when you think about it.  Heartburn anyone?  It could kill you!  I exaggerate a bit, but you understand my point (I hope… if you are still reading this shite).

 

            Simply summed up, I think if we are granted free will at all, then we have it all the time and it CANNOT be restricted, either by the course of time or by a deity.

 

            Free will…  *shudder*  I am not sure how to begin with my utter hatred for the phrase and the concept of ‘free will’.  FOR ME… and most likely not 95% of the rest of the world, in order to have a ‘free will’ one must have more powers than a mortal has.  Will enacts powers that draw from within and are put forth to action which can be performed following the restrictions of the laws of nature and of the creature performing the ‘willing’.  (This needs to be flowered up a bit, but I like my definition here : )  ‘Free’ for me is almost contradictory to will, it would enable something that already has a will to perform functions (aka willing” that go beyond its own restrictions as a material creature and the laws of nature.  This is because how can one have a will if it is not free to act as it chooses within its own means?

 

            But I banter over semantics so I will default upon what I just said and use the common term applied to free will and say that free will is the “power to make free choices unconstrained by external agencies.”- wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn.  This is the best definition I could find online and still I am pivoted against it with every fiber of my being.

 

            We are constantly bombarded with constraints by other agencies/beings.  From the moment we are born, others shape our thoughts and we are molded into a specific type of thinking thing.  The most drastic is the difference of western to eastern thinking and mentality, especially before globalization.  So are there or can there be moments in our lives in which we are unrestrained and ‘free’?  In a solitary room of course we can pick orange juice or milk, but have not all the previous decisions in our lives lead up to this moment and are we not destined to always pick one or the other?  To put it another way, that time in 5^th grade when I spilled yoohoo inside my backpack restricted my freedom in choosing yoohoo over milk for the next 10 years of my life.  All decisions have been inhibited upon and we are never left to truly make a free decision.  There are always agents acting upon our decisions, either from our minds past experiences (although that could be arguably not external… but I think not) to actual other agents acting for us.  So when are we free to make a choice?  Are not shrinks and therapist able to predict with good accuracy the actions of their subjects?  We are not mystical creatures, we are predictable and we have patterns as does the rest of life.  *Unless you get into quantum theory which then my theory goes to SHITE! But so do most theories…)

 

            So if we have free will, isn’t it always somehow restricted in some way?  Again this leads me to believe that only a deity could have free will, being unrestrained from external agencies.  Mortals, encountered with a second of time and a memory of the past cannot possibly chuse anything without being restricted someway, thus inhibiting free will.  And that returns us to compatibleism.

 

            So am I a hard fatalist?  I do not see any other option amass the possibilities.  HAHAHA double pun!  GENIOUS! 

            Today/tonight/in the morn I was thinking at work about relationships, love, women, and what a great time august has been for me in the present and in the past.  Okay, mostly I was thinking about all those things and how they pertain to women in my life.  You know what I realized?  I am surrounded with the best women I have ever known to exist, myth or faerie tales.  Okay maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much.  Honestly the women that I have as best friends are the most amazing women and people I know.  All of them have their uniqueness in being completely awesome and so incredibly influential in my life.

            These women, whom I dare shall name, maybe forgetting one *eekk* are what really continues my world in a happy cycle.  In no particular order, Kate, Sarah, Shaina, Erin, Danielle, my sisters, my mother and my grandmother are so much part of my life that I do not know what I would be or where I would be without them.  In a sense the male figures in my life have come and gone, granted they were a strong influence, but they do not hold a candle to any one of these women.  Unshakably loyal, understanding and putting up with my nuances of disappearing for months on end and then reappearing, putting up with the tirades, the arrogance, the innocence, and the dating, they stay behind me and are there whenever and for whatever.  Honestly I am humbled right now just spelling this out.

 

            But with these great positive influences in my life, any of which I would most likely marry in a second, I continue to date their opposites.  And I am left to wonder, what attracts me?  Particularly what attracts me now?  Of course the women mentioned above have their negatives and sometimes even their demons, but I would consider them (especially my friends) to be wholeheartedly good people (which I find is rather rare).  I have always prided myself on the good people I have surrounded myself with and called my friends.  So why is it that I surround myself with these good people, namely mostly women, and yet pursue their opposite in the dating world, especially of late?  All my closest friends know that I have the rule of attraction and that one partner of any kind of relationship is always, at one point, attracted to the other, and I am in no way going to deny that at one point I was not attracted to any of the women mentioned above (minus the family).  In a very much real sense, a greater bond of fellowship has been formed over the initial attraction to a deep rooted friendship… platonic I do not think so, but deep rooted : )  But these friends I have never dated, not one of them.  Out of my dating history I can name one, truly good woman and she just happened to serenade me : )

           

            So I am left with a larger question really, what holds us to other people?  Rather, what attracts us to confide and hope in others that they will give us a happy long lasting relationship?  I have had the most beautiful relationships with these women, but nothing sexual (not even a kiss from one of them).  Why when I, or others, add sexuality into an equation does the necessity of confiding in another become hazardous and potentially explosive?  Of course normal relationships can endure these test, but not as often or to the caliber of a sexual relationship.  It seems to me that this might be a more modern problem than one that the human race has always dealt with. 

 

The beginning of humankind marked the necessity to procreate to continue to strive, thus having sex was not only pleasurable but a function of life.  In the modern day we are left with ‘safe sex’ which means free sex with little chance of consequence if done correctly.  With the advancement and growth of the human race, has love also advanced into a more abstract stage or state of being? I do not doubt there always being love, but it seems that love has somehow grown and evolved into something highly abstract with the continuing eras of mankind.  Definitions of love, throughout time change greatly and from civilization.  Lust has always been eros, and pleasure has always been pleasing, I do not doubt that.  I doubt our reflection upon love with the advancement of technology and mating selection. 

 

In the old world, one’s love would be bound by the area or surroundings one lived in.  If you lived in a city, maybe you would know a few hundred people or a thousand if you were in the upper ruling class and you had those selection of people in order to fall in love with.  Today we have TV, which advertises ‘true love’ through millions of bodies which we are told to envy and love, personalities which seem flawless and overly appealing in shows, books, magazines.  I heard somewhere that if someone lives in a city now, within 8 blocks there is one person that one would be compatible with to live out ones life.  And think how many other selections we have in our daily lives that deal with love, not just the human brand… ie chocolate, ice cream, and various other mediums. 

 

I ask if our selection has become too vast and now we have grown numb to our own feelings, or rather a slave to them?  With so much selection we can put a prototype ‘mate’ in our heads of what we want and search the web until we find him/her.  Also built in our minds is prototypes of love, lust, self-image all born from the media and our daily interactions.  Have we made ourselves dead to the true feelings of attraction?  Or have we abstracted them into something which we can no longer feel? 

 

It is my belief that we are slowly becoming more numb to the ideal of love.  We are brought up on faerie tales of Princes and Princesses running away together and finding true love only to be hurt again and again in our naïve little world.  When chances brush by us we then wince away, in fear of hurt until we do not even feel the chance, or the brush we just let go of our hopes and dreams and take whatever next ‘decent looking’ thing walks in the room.  Then we convince ourselves as the situation gets worse that love is not so great and we need to get out of our ‘second choice’ relationship.  We convince ourselves slowly that it is okay to be the type of person that ‘not feeling’ is the same as ‘not taking a chance’ at love or heartbreak.  Is this a loss of innocence or a taming of something wild from our childhood when we believed in something greater than ourselves and our own bubble?

 

So what the hell am I left with?  More questions than when I started!  What do I know?  I know that I feel less now.  I know that for the first time, in a long time, I feel excited, and I mean really excited, to be embarking on a journey of chance with a woman.  I know that this hand might make me bust, but you know what?  I know that I feel like a kid again, a innocent young kid bounding with his shoelaces untied and his mother yelling at him.  I know what I have slowly let myself become, and I do not like it.  I know again what beauty lies within listening to Opera in a language you do not understand, knowing that the words are HOPE.  And hope is all I LOVE right now, and I would not have it any other way.

            For the first time in my college career, I am not looking forward to ending the semester at all.  Futher more, I am trying to come up with ways so I will not be graduating.  I am not sure if this is sad or not, but it has taken 4 years of disappointment to bring me to a moment where I have found a nitch where I am happy, entertained, challenged, inspired by, and loved by and it happens the last semester I am at college.  Not only have I found 4 philo majors whose company I enjoy, but I also have gained a nitch with the professors.  And now, in 3 weeks time it will be swept away.  On top of finding a true college experience, the one I always thought I would have, I am leaving the semester before 3 classes I am greatly interested in are being offered.  I have rarely known such disappointment at leaving something, other than a woman, that I really have grown to love.  So goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend… goodbye academia…

 

            All of this, well realizing what I am letting go, has happened within the last week or so.  Last night, was just the best party… of 5 philosophers sitting around getting drunk and singing karaoke with a Professor.  Sadly I can count the number of times I have had, what I consider, true college experiences and this was the 5th or 6th one.  I had always had this image of what college was supposed to be like for me.  I had always heard stories of going out with professors and drinking and talking into the night about whatever subject matter you were into.  Sadly I have not had either of those moments until this semester.  I guess I owe a lot of to someone who has stepped into my life and changed so many things, internally and externally.  I was thinking about it today and the amount of blessings that sometime come with certain people as they enter your lives is rarely noticed(at least by me) until hindsight.  It hit me square in the jaw today as I was driving for 4 hours(2 hours too much) attempting to get home from school.  I take many things for granted, yet when I am able to acknowledge something so… truly magnificent as what that person has done for me, I find I lack the words to say how much it means and I lack the action to show how powerfully moved I have been.  As much as it does suck that I am leaving all these great things behind, I would have most likely not known them if it were not for this person.  The power of connections in humans to open up others in different and profound ways amazes me right now.  I am just left right now with a great humility to all my friends and family for opening up my senses in various, sometimes pleasurable and sometimes painful ways, and letting me enjoy the spectrum of life a little more.

 

            And so, I hope I will not forget the night when my philo teacher sang Louis Armstrong, Johhny Cash, Billy Idol, and David Bowie after convincing us that he was God’s gift to humanity and just the best damned arrogant philo teacher that exist, intentionally or extentionally in modern times.  And thank God for some students for not showing up.

Maybe, just maybe I am writing this blog because of sexual deprivation and in light of some recent events last night, but I have had it on my mind for a while. Does anyone have one of those bands that just really turns them on in a certain way? I mean in a specific way, as it makes you really crave soft loving sex, hard rough sex, or some alternative sexual fantasy? I am not talking about the classics like Barry White or Frank Sinatra, I am talking about something that would seem a bit odd and maybe that band/artist only does it for you?
I have a few that bands/artist that put me in the mood for sex, but really only one band that anytime I listen to them it makes me really want domineering, rough, sex in which the person is more of a tool of my gratification. Usually I am a very sensual lover and love to please more than anything, but when I listen to AC/DC (with Bon Scott) it really makes me want to have just rough loud dominant sex with hair pulling and slapping and scratching. I do not know what it is about AC/DC, if its their rifts, the beat, Bon Scott’s ‘front-man’ attitude that screams attention, or the lyrics… most likely a combination of all the above, but wow they are amazing.
Most of their lyrics are about sex or power, from Dirty Deeds, Given the Dog a Bone, You shook me all night long, Can I sit next to you girl?, Little lover, She’s got Balls, The Jack, Love Hungry man, Girl’s Got Rhythm and Touch too much (just to name a few of my favorites). Even some of the songs they have I have begun to hold as fantasies, especially touch too much and Can I sit next to you girl? I think a lot of it has to do with my image of Bon Scott and how suave and amazing he was. Argh, even his voice just screams sex to me! It carries so much character and strength in it.

You’re the one I’ve waited for
I need your love more and more
I don’t know what your name is
I don’t know what your game is
I want to take you tonight
Animal appetite

‘Cause I’m a love hungry man
I’m a love hungry man

Don’t want no conversation
I need sweet sensation
And all I want to do
Is make a beast out of you

‘Cause I’m a love hungry man
I got to get my hands on you
I’m a love hungry man
I’m telling you

I’m your love hungry man
Oh baby you’re such a treat
Love, any love, hungry man
And a man’s got to eat
You’re the one I’ve waited for
I need your loving more and more
We’re a duo

‘Cause I’m a love, love hungry man
-ACDC

Closer

 

Closer

you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell
help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason I stay alive

-NIN

 

            I was driving back to school today and listening to my ‘Blue’ CD which comprises of some of my favorite songs of all time.  Anywho it was just one of those drives that you feel absolutely amazing, that nothing at all could go wrong and everything you are doing is just right.  This was proven by the fact that I was speeding down the parkway and Turnpike at light speed.  No, no, light speed is too slow.  Yes we’ll have to go right to… LUDICROUS SPEED!  Ahh… at least I make myself laugh : )  Anywho so I am traveling at ludicrous speed down the highways to pick my sis up and I am blasting my Blue CD and I am screaming at the top of my lungs along, but out of tune, with the music.  The reason I am in such a good mood on this day was for a variety of reasons, but it mostly had to do with the female persuasion.

            I have always viewed myself with a poor self image, that was until the ending of my relationship with Lyz and into my relationship with Danielle.  Somewhere in between I became confident in myself, my sexuality, and what I had and what I didn’t.  I finally realized I am a decent looking guy and that I do have something to offer to other women.  I know this sounds horrible, but I really didn’t just have a very healthy self image.  I suppose now I realize what I am capable of offering, and what I can’t and I can use my strengths and my weaknesses to form some sort of… ‘playing field’ I will call it.  Anywho I think along with most people, I realize that my playing field(ie the type of women and the degree of a woman’s attractiveness) only spans so far.  I mean, I am no Brad Pitt and I am not able to somehow get a date with a Angelina Jolie…  But I think I have a healthy enough range where I don’t see too many women that I would think that would just be ‘unapproachable’.  Maybe this is just low self-esteem issues hung over from before that I am still grappling with, but I think everyone(unless you have a models body) has to realistically deal with the idea that certain people you just would have a impossible time attracting.  Mind you, one night flings are a completely DIFFERENT category.  I am more concerned with going out on a date and maybe making something of it.

            Anywho so yeah, I defiantly have a range of women that I think are approachable and that I could pursue if they happened to catch my eye.  Honestly I am happy with this self described playing field and I think its pretty realistic for me.

            So I start of the semester thinking it was going to be one of those crappy semesters and I was never going to enjoy myself.  I found out within the first week it was going to be otherwise(which I am glad about).  Anyway my classes are all decent and as per norm, the first week I defiantly checked out all of my classes to see if there was any interesting women that I might want to get acquainted with over the semester.  There were a few and those processes are going there merry way, but that’s not my concern right now.  I am in this Philo of Mind class and I saw this one girl and she was just STUNNING.  I mean, jaw dropping and those who know me I really don’t do the entire double take or triple take but my god, my jaw was hanging from the second she put her first foot in the door.  I am pretty certain I will never forget what she was wearing that first day.  She is tall and thin, but has good form and her posture with a strong angular body and jaw line.  She has straitened smooth black hair a little past shoulder length, light brownish/hazel eyes, and a long torso.  She knows how to dress for her looks and on the first day she wore a tight fitting black and white horizontal shirt that went down to her waist and showed off her long torso, blue jeans that were a bit tight, and black and white shoes.  I glanced her way several times during the class…

            Anywho, I just figure wow, nice eye candy… and its odd that she is taking this class(honestly I just didn’t figure her as a philo student or as that smart… bad I know but I have not known many at all that are THAT beautiful and that smart in the philo sense.)  A few weeks go by and I pick up that this girl is really, really intelligent and it’s a bit amazing, but still I am just happy with how everything is going, not even thinking about the remote possibility of this girl in Philo of Mind.  But early this week on the first day of class I catch myself staring at her again, just thinking DAMN…  lol.  At the end of class I get talking to my buddy outside at the end of the hallway and he is asking me about some Logic homework.  She is in the same class and I suppose overhears us and comes over and starts talking about the work.  After she corrects the problem my buddy is having, we start talking about what the Prof said in our class that day.  As we start walking we come to the point where we are going to go our separate ways and I just ask her if she wants to with me to get something to eat.  She agrees and we go get lunch at the on campus cafeteria.

            We start talking and I find out she is REALLY smart, as in she makes me want to be more well read and on the ball just to have a conversation with her.  It is hard finding a person I feel slightly intimidated by intelligence wise(much less beauty) since I firmly believe in multiple intelligences and most people balance out somehow.  Well… at least those who are educated in some way.  After talking about a variety of things, she offers some literature for me to read.  So I get her e-mail address so I can get it from her(sooner than next class).  After that we part ways and I still think, ‘dude, no chance in hell’, but at least its’ someone to talk to about Philo.

            I e-mail her rambling on about stuff, but not too much and she responds.  To her response I write back to her about maybe talking after class the next day and getting lunch again.  She agrees in another response and the next day we meet up.  She waits for me after class as I talk to the prof about a question I had.  After I get done my question, the prof turns to her, who is sitting down reading the book for class quietly, and he asks her what her question is.  She replies that she is waiting for me.  HA.  You should of seen the prof’s look!  He looked at me as if I would decline her statement then looks back to her for several seconds.  Then I cut in and ask him about where he got his very nice(I was sincere) jacket.  Anywho we walk out and she joins me in my car to go to Valley Road to drop something off and then have lunch.

            We talk about all sorts of stuff but it goes off very smoothly and I start thinking that I might actually have a chance at something.  But we get back from lunch and head to a Philo meeting which we are already late for and I sit down for like 10 minutes before I had to leave.  I pull an idiotic move and say goodbye to my friend but not her personally. (and personally beat myself up for that in my head as I walk away)  Anywho I eventually get back to my dorm room and check my e-mails and whatnot and she tracked me down on myspace.  I befriend her and ask her for her SN and give her my phone to talk, thinking I have a LONG shot but at least its something.  We end up talking for a few hours that night via IM and I am not sure what I said…. But I defiantly have a date with her next week : )

 

            So my friends, to impossibilities! Cheers!

 

           

            So I am driving home and thinking about all of this, how far fetched this is.  I cannot help but think, why would she date me?  She could get a Brad Pitt without too much of a problem, if at all.  Is she just using me, ect ect.  But then I am like… hmm.  We did talk about all sorts of ‘boring’ philo stuff but she was really into it and I was too.  So all of these random contradicting ideas are plowing through my head and I am speeding down the highway at ludicrous speed listening to ‘closer’ by NIN.  All I am thinking about is sex…  but then I wonder, jesus I think she might honestly have a serious interest in me.  BUDDHA, I think I might I have thing for her(for her intellect and assertive alpha female pretense).  MUHAMMED!  Could this bloody work? 

            If so, to what degree?  SO I am in a jam… there is going to be a date.  Guessing her personality and whatnot, a first kiss and maybe everything could happen the first night if I were to play a certain card deck.  BUT would I?  I know I WOULD, but is that how I want to play it?  I am thinking to myself… okay is this a ONCE in a lifetime shot to be with a GORGEOUS girl, is a one night thing, is it a dating possibility, a relationship possibility?  ARGH!  If it’s a one night thing and I pull back, will I forever kick myself for not pushing it and going for sex?  If it is a dating potential, if I resist her(and she has said she does not like rejection) will I blow the dating follow up potential?  If it’s a relationship possibility, do I want to have sex with her on the first night?  Even if sex is not an option on the first date, do I want to start dating, a relationship, seeing, whatever with such extreme heat?

            She is a Ares… which means she is a fire sign.  Which also means that she likes to constantly be engaged and challenged.  She likes things red hot and entertaining, always on the move.  I am a Virgo, an earth sign that likes calm and simply settings with good conversation.  If I want a battle of wills, I might of found my match (ha… my first g/f was a fire sign).  She is becoming enchantingly more appealing and at the same time incredibly dangerous… hence FIRE SIGN : )  I love playing with fire…  ‘I love it, god help me I love it so.’